dude, the summer is killing me. i just woke up cause my balls were stuck to HER leg!
He went so fast i didnt even have time to pretend like i was about to have a fake orgasim
the coke olympics were a bad idea. there's a tree uprooted in the front of my building.
Please sleep at your girlfriend's tonight
Why?
'Cause I wanna jack off tonight.. And you being in the room makes things awkward
for me the strap perfect is like a chastity belt
She told me to stuff her like a turkey. She actually yelled happy thanksgiving.
i just shaved my vag. i figure it gave me about ten more minutes to drink tomorrow.
The one thing I know about living in Vegas is the closest I'll ever come to being a father is singing the theme song from Full House to a garbage can while I eat an entire birthday cake.
Am I really that girl who walks around half naked wearing a cowboy hat begging for liquor at some random guys house
Dude, you can't even imagine the trip, I actually thought that there were Care Bears sitting next to me at the bar, I'm pretty sure I started hitting on the pink one.
I feel like I should treat myself every time I find out I'm not pregnant. Is there a pie company that delivers??
You may be fancy. But you'll never be having cheesy garlic bread and scotch at 3am fancy.
One minute we're singing Wagon Wheel, and the next you're belly dancing in a trash bag on the beer pong table
She's got a shotglass necklace, running down the street asking people to "fill her up". Get here.
Of course he’s dumb. He’s got a 9 inch dick! There’s not enough blood in his body for a big dick and a big brain. It’s science
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