whats up tonight?
Ice cream, wine, and teabags... Not the earl grey kind
I just bought Christian paraphenilia at Borders for my dad's bday. I had the urge to tell them it wasn't mine, like I was buying laxatives or a dildo
Hahahaha. You probably would have been more comfortable buying either of those than what you just bought
i would totally switch to progressive if they'd let me bang that girl in the commercial.
I told my mom happy mother's day then rubbed my belly and said "Oh, and happy grandmother's day too..." She started sobbing. You were right, that wasn't the best way to tell her.
Ok fine. Wild. Free. Like a stallion set free in a beautiful meadow filled with flowers and sexy lady horses
She can drink whiskey without a chaser and has a fridge full of whipped cream. Girlfriend potential
Tried to dodge fire in poncho. Fell through fence. Blood everywhere.
pretty sure I just came the closest to throwing up in my pants that I'm ever gonna get. I'd like to thank the academy and the hangover thatt I hope actually kills me in the morning.
You carried me up the stairs after I told you not to. And what did you tell me? "Let me test my strengths."
I got inside last night via doggy door
But don't thank me for faking being asleep, if I was the real wing man, I would have left the bed
The sex was so boring I heard the people having sex next door and I wanted to stop just to listen
I felt like I needed to shower with a Mr. Clean Magic Eraser.
I have had my dick inside of entirely too many people at this wedding in order for me to be the groom. Please give me a swift kick in the dick to wake me up from this nightmare
FIVE TIMES AND I HAVENT GOTTEN OFF ONCE
literally yelled NOOOO right before he finished .. yelled “five times and I still haven’t gotten off” when he was still inside me ..
Said “don’t worry I’ll get myself off tomorrow” to top it all off
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