U know its gonna be a great day when the guy at the liquor store waves at u cause u walked by
my house keeper must think I'm a prostitute.
woke up to find a pram in the balcony. first thing we did was look over the edge!
i feel like pocahontas...the disney character not from real chance of love
there r dinosaurs outside my house i hear them
pretty sure those are just snow plows....go back to bed
She stopped mid hookup to ask me if we'd be done before Taco Bell closed.
you were upstairs in your room looking out your window and saw him puking in your bushes outside. you then proceeded to open the window and sing Come To My Window
Just did an entire nights worth of bar crawl in an hour. Boom
I just made a drink so ill shit. It's goona be great. Ill tell you about it when you get here. Get pumped. For my shit.
THE PRUIS IN YOUR DRIVEWAY IS NOT YOURS
excuse me?
I accidentally borrowed your spare keys a while ago...i just tried them...that, my friend, is not your car.
He offered me handsanitizer after a hand job, you can't tell me he's not perfect!
I'm 10 cats away from completing my post divorce transformation.
His roommates are gone so we had sex in every room of the house and watched the wire. What have you done today?
Alright I'd bang a 4 sober, It's been like 3-4 weeks or how ever long 4th of July was ago. I wanna fuck something.
4th of July was 12 days ago. The date is literally in the text you just sent.
I don't care about the dates I just wanna bone something.
What the fuck was I thinking eating an entire tub of potato salad on acid. My stomach today bro
Randomize
