end the night at a gay bar...not sure how...but why the fuck do i have two condoms in my pocket?
Theres this tee in the mall and it says all girls just wanna have safe sex. U make me think thats a lie
you know that hot chick that stutters? talk about an awkward orgasm
you were carrying a trash bag around insisting it was your purse. I'll let you guess how your night went
Morning yack off the fire escape. Girl walking by was mortified. Gooooooooo Ducks!!
I want to be you.
She asked me to head butt her and after half a bottle of whiskey that seemed reasonable.
They got me high and left me at the mall with a giftcard for $400. I need an adult.
Hey I'm not sure why your jacket's covered in maple syrup but I just realized you didn't leave the house earlier wearing a jacket...
I awoke this morning alone and naked in my bed I forecast my date later not going so well because I have three giant hickies on my neck there is a note next to my bed that looks a 3rd grader wrote it on my college acceptance letter
What I'm saying is DOWNGRADE. Like, do you see the caps lock?
Strangers are buying me shots and I got hit on by lesbians. How is it only tuesday
How would your parents feel if we installed a sex swing?
Would it be wildly inappropriate for me to tailgate a Jonas brothers concert?
He says the sweetest things but also that he wants to choke me when we fuck so it's kinda perfect.
Sometimes you gotta do what you gotta do... and then you need to delete the history so you're girlfriend doesn't see it.
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