I was just texting to see if your vagina was working yet.
I know its been a few months but you must know you hve the 2nd biggest dick I've ever seen. 1st place went to a rapper so don't feel bad.
I am literally missing a chunk of eyelashes. That's how fun it was.
I officially lit my glove on fire while lighting the bong. Winter needs to end.
As she was leaving she said "You have an awesome penis, I hope to use it again soon" I need that on a business card to hand out at the bar
Sober me is really good at getting to the airport on time. Drunk me is really good at shitting my pants. Do you know how much pants cost at the airport????
He threw up, and left his credit card next to the puddle. He kept on saying he wanted to pay for the damages.
That ACT prep teacher knew i was hung. I could see it in her eyes.
Ok everyone, the frat server is slow because of the 11 TB of porn on there. Either clean out your partition by Sunday or it will be erased. Thanks for your help.
all my money is vodka money
I have never read a truer sentence.
woke up in a random sweater in a random bed in a random house on a street I don't recognize..
also, I vaguely remember swapping shirts with some random guy on the dance floor.
Well I met my booty call's parents by accident, so that happened.
Being in nursing school really pays off when your dealer tries to pass off naproxen as Percocet. Like I may have made a C in pharm but I aced the pain drug test
Cause I know you wanna ride the D like a Vespa in ROMAN HOLIDAY
How have you been? I haven’t talked to you since you dyed your pubes.
Randomize
