He plays me like an instrument...he is the Carlos Santana of my vagina.
Made a salesman quit his job, a saleswoman cry, and got a manager to half shout "fuck this"....successful drunk Christmas shopping
I think I just accidentally agreed to become a surrogate for a gay couple
I just helped a group of highschool stoners find a safe place to smoke I feel like a responsible rolemodel
hanging out with you guys is like living the wikipedia entry for drugs...not sure i can handle that tonight.
Its like no one cares im drunk naked wet and ready to throw myself at some one hold on i found a solution to my problems
I love pie. Pie understands me and the spatula
How do you tell an ex that banging less hot chicks than me is highly insulting? I almost want to try and get him laid with a pretty girl just to save some face for dating him so long.
Dude are you being arrested? I swear I just saw you laying on the hood of your car with a cop patting you down...
Where's Taylor bro?
Never mind found him under the sink
Halloween is the end of the singles holidays they don't start again until st. Patrick's day we better get wifed up or it's going to be a long winter lol
so "excuse the stench" wasn't the correct thing to say when your boyfriend's parents walk in on you shitting. Live and learn
You throw up behind 1 mannequin and it's world war 3 in forever 21
all of these bad things happened because I didn't bring a shower beer.
First Peyton Manning retires, and now the most interesting man in the world is retiring for Dos Equis. This is the worst week of my fucking life.
We went there specifically for you to break it off with him and I walk in on you two in the bathroom with his dick in your mouth
but he had pizza... so i win
I give up.
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