So I got my period. Finally. In related news, I reinstated my belief in God.
I just woke up to pictures of every angle of his dick I'll ever need to see.
We were trying to sober you with hotdog buns but you refused put half of it in your bra and said you'd save it for later
just saw someone climb out of the dumpster at cvs and start walking down the street like it was completely normal
Watching crazy stupid love and drinking alone isn't what I thought it was gonna be
Its TONS better. Expect a drunk dial at 11:54
I caught myself flirting with clients today. Someone needs to take me to pound town before I self destruct. This is a code red. I repeat code red.
Either she's trying to smother me and failing, or she just has a really bad sense of where her tits should go.
Did you know that if you chase vodka with cheap red wine it tastes exactly like college alcoholism?
This morning I woke up in the entrance of a retirement home. Memory fragments from last night: making it rain with the contents of my wallet over the bridge, getting hit by a car, and a lot of running.
The cops wrote boobs in the police report. ...vandalism is our calling
Last night you referred to my vagina as a gym for your penis
Dude. She was wearing nothing but Wonder Woman panties and a flag for a cape and sneaking around leaving PBR's by passed out people for the morning. She called herself the 'Merica Fairy.
Why haven't you proposed already?
I made him dinner in just his cowboy hat and my boots after we did it...you should see his face :)
i swear a herd of elephants who like to smoke weed lives directly above our room
My "birthday sex" consisted of approximately 25 seconds of him going down on me in the shower.
Randomize
