Not everyone can get ass. Some people are good at building rockets. You’re good at sleeping with many men. It’s an art.
you were so high that you made a 14 page PowerPoint on why Santa would beat Peter pan in a fight.
and I must say, you were very persuasive
I'll bring the barf blanket just in case.
Did someone do a keg stand in my bathtub?
I didn't scare your mother by showing up on the roof, did I?
you called me at 4 in the morning and invited me over for pasta and a late night viewing of titanic.
Back of his car in the Starbucks parking lot WITH HIS APRON STILL ON. Check and Mate.
Holy shit. You won barista bingo AND the Triple Crown in one day.
I feel like I just want to take a shot of jack, have sex, and shoot myself in the face. In that order exactly.
Omg yes! I just found a random muffin! Don't question it. Just praise the miracle.
He told me he felt like he was just pistol-whipped by Testicle Man.
Found out my grandpa had two wives and found out I'm eligible for some internships 11/10 would do acid again.
I'm fine w planning around your penis prospecting. Saturday it is.
He doesn't have an existential crisis after we have really violent sex now which is nice
He stopped eating me out to remind me to look at the stars
She called and said she was waiting for me naked. I got there and she was in ratty sweats, sitting in Nick's lap, with divorce papers. Needless to say my night was shitty.
Randomize
