I know right? mind you this is the same woman who told me when I was 12 that oral sex just meant talking dirty
we need to go to the store. i'm tired of having bud light for breakfast.
do you want me to pick up budweiser instead?
i kept drunkenly begging people i met to be in my facebook mafia
Nah, I'm just going to keep fucking him until he realizes we're perfect for each other.
Do you think we're allowed to sign male strippers into the building with a valid id?
She refused to give me a hand job while we were watching a war movie saying she didn't wanna disrespect the soldiers
You yelled "hold my dick" before you tackled the guy away from the dj and two random girls moved to actually hold it, then argued about it. I want that whore aura!
Instead of medicine they should just give ecstasy. Also I'm tingly and can't find u guys. A gay man just said he loved me... :( / :)
All I remember is waking up with 3 penises pointed at my face. I also remember enjoying that a lot. And then I threw up in their shower.
My garbage can has nothing in it besides condoms and candy wrappers. That's good garbage.
I am making dinner in lingerie and heels and there is a 75% chance his roommate is going to walk in on this.
Yup. There he is. This conversation is awkward.
I just want brownies and waffles and someone to lick my tits
After the apocalypse all we'll have is vodka and twinkles.
whenever i get involved w someone i'm gonna give you their number to testify to the fact that they should not fall in love with me
I know it's super late on a work night, but can you drop by and bend me over my new motorcycle? I have tequila and tacos...
Randomize
