If a fat man falls in the shower and nobody is in the apartment, does his pride still hurt? Answer: yes
It must be a full moon weekend. All of my weird booty calls are coming out of the woodwork. I spent 40 minutes on the phone last night telling one why he is so creepy.
Dude she let me cum on her face
You have the wrong number I'm the she who let you cum on her face unless some other girl has let you since this morning
A freshman just referred to Home Improvement as 'tim the tool man show'. People born after 1990 are not people.
Some guy just bought a handle of cuervo, a curling iron, and a power drill. Paid with a jar of change. I'm torn between avoiding him and befriending him..
It's a given that you're going to get peed on at a country concert
we broke up because he couldn't handle the fact that i've slept with more girls than he has. also, i've slept with the girl he's seeing now.
The second I see you we're shot gunning beers
It's gonna be 8 o'clock in the morning
And your point is?
Marry me
What?! Why else would they put table cloths on a table if not for discreet oral sex? That's why they were invented! Read a book...
It's like your tits told gravity 'fuck you, I'm fine right here!'
Is there anything more American than getting day drunk and watching Hulk Hogan promos?
It's a special kind of bond when your gay brother takes pics of you topless at a frat party.
I want to eat a stick of butter
Did your pain meds kick in?
It tastes nice
He asked me while we were fishing why the passion was gone when we have sex. It's official...I am the dude in this relationship.
hold on i need to sex proof my eyelashes. thank godd for waterproof mascara
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