you used to get mad at me for mentioning 'unprotected sex' and happenings in my bed
well yeah, but then i realized the wisdom of your ways.
And then he told me he had the vodka, but he was still in line at WIC for the juice.
He cooked me dinner. I showed my appreciation by showing up shithoused and breaking a bottle of steak sauce on his floor.
Note to self: Do not bring gift bag with cock ring inside to family Christmas. Leave to unwrap at home.
i miss freshman lecture halls much harder to take shots in a class of 20
The lady at the Humaine Society gave me her nephew's number because I seem like a loving and caring person.
Does she know that each time you've adopted a new cat in the past year it's because some guy stopped fucking you and you don't want to eat your feelings?
Ask him to get me chedder bratwurst instead of the molly
Unless if you guys already left. Then I want the molly
Just walked by the barren window naked in a family neighborhood. Who needs dignity.
I'll get tired halfway through and end up passed out at a taco shack honestly
Meeting up with one of your students at your drug dealers house is always an awkward moment
He a gives rim jobs, because, of course a guy who opens doors and makes reservations would lick your anus..like a gentleman.
You tried to prove you weren't drunk by loudly singing the romanian national anthem. Why the fuck do you even KNOW the romanian national anthem?
LIKE ALL I WANT TO CURE MY HANGOVER IS PORKROLL AND LIKE 85% OF THIS COUNTRY DOESN'T KNOW WHAT IT IS
You tried to see how many socks you can stuff in yor mouth and I just put on a damp sock. Is this what bestfriends have come to these days???
Just letting you know that while you peed your pants in that guys jeep, The orgasm I had made my hair fall out... Good morning.
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