i either got mauled last night by a velociraptor or an angry lipstick lesbian. could have been both
and she's shaped like a lego person so that's not happening
when we were having sex and i started crying and telling you i missed you..why couldnt you stop and tell me how you felt or make me feel better?you kept going...
My face smells like vagina and Im on my way to court. Fuck.
Putting the night light in my bathroom cabinet was the best idea ever. Awesome for puking while light sensitive
We had phone sex and he came in his sink. i will never eat off one of his plates again
guy just got out of the car at the drive in and told his girlfriend "fuck you and your taco" and walked off
I really wasn't that bad. I thought I was pretty tame.
When Anthony passed out you poured vodka on his face
Drunk me Does not appreciate a drunk, naked you kicking me off the couch at 3am. You have a bed here, you dick
Will you judge me if i do shots in my basement closet first? No? Okay good
Also, upon examining the photos, I have concluded that you were the sloppiest drunk girl of the night. And that's saying something considering Hurricane Jessica was in town.
I tried getting kicked out of my favorite bar. No matter what I did, I could do no wrong
i tried giving myself a bikini wax.1. i hate you 2. i think i'm dying
Give it up bro. I’m not wearing pants or a bra and only an act of god could change that
I wasn't going to drink tonight, but was reminded this is the anniversary of prohibition being repealed. If I don't, then I am against my profession of bartending and anti-American, right?
Randomize
