Just spit on a sock to clean a spot on my glass table. Oddest combination of so lazy and motivated ever.
Just tried to fight the dj at cowboys because he would'nt play freebird. Pick me up now.
The Firefighter Games are going to be in Tampa the same weekend I am. I think God is answering my vagina's prayers.
It went alright, nothing too special, just got threatened with a knife by our server.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
Nothing like puking into an empty cooler at a red light on the way to get plan b.
Yehhhaaww I'm way ahead of you. I'm gunna get her a card that says " I'm sorry your now ex boyfriend decided to upgrade"
I may not have eyeballs after all the drunk naked people having sex outside.
im going to hold it over his head for all of eternity. when his children are born i am going to go to the hospital as his wife is giving birth and shove the picture in the childs face, so the first time they see their father is in a drunken stupor looking like a jackass.
Might as well permanently tattoo lush somewhere on my body and show it to people when I decide to drink so they won't serve me.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
He was so aggressive it felt like he was giving my boob a root cannal
I found a bar with Metallica and a fire eater. I'm home
No i dont need a babysitter i have my cats. Cats can dial 911 ya know
Had a dream I was doing scat with Caroline. I need to lay off the cheese at night
The magnum condom fits. I feel like a manly version of cinderella
I'm so gassy and it's your fault.
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