I'm handcuffed to the toilet. Don't ask
If people don't want my drunken phone call then TAKE YOUR FUCKING NUMER OFF OF FACEBOOK, like it's just that easy...
but I'll probably watch some porn later so it's not a complete waste of a Saturday night.
Looking forward to meeting the person naked and passed out at my kitchen table.
I have just gotten home. I saw a lot of penis tonight. On a trampoline. Shit got weird.
What? My family got wasted on patron and I threw up on my pants and said it was gravy. Hot mess.
I've decided he is effectively a mouth, hands and cock held together by bad ideas and compliments, and I'm OK with that.
It is no longer St. Patrick's Day. I should NOT still have green boobs!
Let's go dancing. I wanna sprain an ankle. And a labia. My labia or yours. I'm not picky.
We need a full length mirror. I just ate it trying to look at my shoes on the toilet. But aside from a arm bruise I'm good to go
Apparently nothing brings out sympathy in a barista like asking if they have a hangover special
Molly was fun. I was in a captain planet onesie in Wal-Mart talking to everyone haha
He fucked me in his tour van, I feel like an official groupie.... Except I don't even listen to his band.
Remember the time you cried about coconuts
i'm currently watching a guy eat a bunch of cacti and i have lost all faith in humanity
**cactuseses
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