Tittie bar + Mother In law gone = mission accomplished.
Every one of her profile pictures looks like an ad for American Apparel. Of course she has syphilis.
When I stretch out her lips her vagina looks like a dolphin...this birthmark is awesome
You were pretty committed to that cat costume. Between pukes, you would meow and assure people that you just had a hairball you couldn't get out...
Well I pulled a muscle in my leg dancing in the tanning booth drunk at 1 pm soooo there's that
That is true. Vodka is like a dog. Always loyal, warm, and there for you when you need it
Sounds like sex on a twister board.
An idea that is both hilarious and intriguing...
pooping with feet up on an ottoman about level with the toilet is nice
Ok. Here's the plan. Take your hand (whichever is closest), summon all your nerve, and just stick it right down his pants.
I love you.
While leaving the bar with another guy I told the bouncer I was sad his friend had a fiancee
You were drinking Everclear weren't you?
He's doing his thing where I don't know if he's alive until three in the afternoon so idk
Ive only just recently decided that NOT fucking you would be best for both of us.
What has my life come to that I have to spank someone in morse code?
sex on acid sucks though, i want to connect with the universe not your dick.
I don't actually like you. I just want to hook up with you.
I'm fine with that
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