my mom just informed me that i masturbate loudly
i'm in his bathroom *freshening up* and he not only has a hairdryer... but a straightener. get me out of here... NOW
i learned of a new sex move called the pterodactyl. 3 guys stand in a row. 1 girl blows the one in the middle while jerking off the other two. kids these days!
Yaeh! Back in our day we had to wait our turn for some party whore to blow us!
well there you go. the average partycunt evolved into megapartycunt just like scientists predicted.
I was hidding Easter eggs in CHURCH this morning when one of the older men came up to me and said "I always knew you'd be a bunny just not the Easter kind" ... Our congregation obviously has high hopes for their pastor's daighter
Omg calling you in 10 to update you on who I peed on last night
GOOD NIGHT DREAM OF ALCOHOL SNO CONES
I woke up at 4 am to my roomate peeing all over my clean laundry. He thought he was in the bathroom and yelled at me for being in the bathroom with him while he was peeing.
Wake up. We're going shopping for booze and samurai swords.
You can't just beat off while driving someone else's car. Thats a rule
Thats your rule and this car is nice
You're the only person I know who can be puking into a trash can at 8 in the morning in Manhattan and get a date out of it....
Still stoned. I like your bong. It can stay. No others, though.
I was going down on her and she started whistling "Whistle while you work." I'm in love.
im about to go through the checkout with 3 flasks and a wedding card. let the judgement begin!
update: cashier guessed cash bar before i could say anything. completely bypassed "dry" and knew cash bar right away. i love this state.
Why were u walkin around mc with a toilet bowl lid handcuffed to u and carrying a stuffed Teddy bear last night?
uh why is my bathtub filled with kool aid? or is that blood?
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