I woke up in a strange girl's bed and rifled through her mail to get her name.
Stop everything. They have oreo straws to drink milk with and then you eat the straw. I think i just got turned on by a cookie commercial.
And that's when I found out that Patrick wasn't in fact down with O.P.P.
take it from a girl who woke up with a girl in her bed... you were not that drunk.
I answered the my mom's phone call about what we're doing for father's day while he was still fucking me. She thought I seemed really excited about his hiking boots present.
my liver gets a handicap on account of the whole being diseased thing
i love all of you. Physical. Emotional. Mental. All of it. When we speak i feel like a feather or a dragon depending on the conversation ...
why are all my papers due the day after my potential hangover
I also found a beer label in my bra and I'm pretty sure you put it there and said "this means I trust you"
I AM COVERED IN FAKE BLOOD AND REAL CUM. I AM AWESOME
I can officially say I had a blunt rolled on my ass
well it got awkwardly quiet so i looked up, slapped his stomach, said "youre the best!" while pointing at him, and went right back to sucking his dick.
I was drunk while I accepted my job offer. Here's to growing up.
Literally had a conversation with the pizza as to why it was a bad idea to reach in the back seat and grab a slice while driving. The pizza was right, it was safer to just wait until I got home.
Yeah everywhere i go i feel like a 3rd or 5th or (2n+1)th wheel. That's right, i'm a mathematically depressed drunk.
Randomize
