Theres this tee in the mall and it says all girls just wanna have safe sex. U make me think thats a lie
i kept drunkenly begging people i met to be in my facebook mafia
But you wanna know what the sadest part is? I had to smoke on the way back home cause my mom would be suspicious if I wasn't high after I was supposedly hanging out with you.
Soooo how am i supposed to explain to my mom that i was admitted to the hospital but you kidnapped me within 20 minutes?
Holy christ fuck what has my trainwreck of a life come to just blew a 17 year old so help me god
The countdown is at hand. We are 15 days from so much Jameson that names will be forgotten. Prepare your liver now or severe projectile vomiting will be the theme of the night.
New carpet is nice. I'm making carpet angels. Like a fresh snowfall.
You said you wanted to wrap his dick in a tortilla and make a spicy burrito. Let me just say, most girls don't have this hard of a time getting laid.
Did you know there is a guy on the porch, wrapped in your snuggie, singing no woman no cry and drinking wine coolers?
Someone put a huge skyy vodka bottle in our washing machine. My roommate didn't see it and ran it. The washing machine split in two. #life
This popcorn tastes like salt and regret. It reminds me of the first blowjob I ever gave.
You've ruined popcorn for me.
I solemnly swear I will not get your boyfriend puke in public drunk again
Alcohol won't break your heart. I mean, unless it's all gone maybe
Ive completely stopped wearing makeup. Not even eyebrows. Thats how sick of wisconsin I am.
Her mom Is so hot that when she was bending over i just zoned out starin at her ass her dad slapped me on the back an said let me tell you son everything you see here is mine and you had better realize i felt like simba
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