I can text with my tongue
the smoke from my cigarette strangely resembles what patrick swayzes ghost will look like.
Girls don't like it when you cum inside them and then discuss baby names.
as veruca salt said, "i want it now!"
uhh im not your indulgent father, stoned and im in the middle of making tacos. right now, tacos win
I'm driving to work with an ice pack on my vagina. how was your weekend?
You are forgiven. I sent you a picture of a pumpkin man as a gesture of reconciliation.
Do you think the Slutcracker will use the original score? I'll be so sad if they don't.
They set the pop up pool in the basement-running filter and all. Drunk swimming. Come now.
Just talked to Laura, confirming that is my bra. Hope it goes well with the rest of your wall decorations.
I would like to apologize once again for rubbing your thigh with my hands and face for a very long time last night.
I don't listen when you talk. I just try to find new creative ways to get you to send me naked pictures.
I'm drawing the line at your vagina. I will not accompany you to get that pierced and/or tattooed. There's got to be some mystery to our relationship.
I realized my soar muscles form the shape of me leaning over a toilet
There was already gay porn open on my laptop with a tiny carrot cake, a bottle of water, and a note saying "I love you, Sober Me."
Drunk me just hits it and quits it.
I’ll call you later. There’s a jilted trophy wife looking for a revenge fuck at my door
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