im officially scared..,i finally realized who my boyfriend reminds me of! spencer pratt
Dude, we have the same penis size. Best friends for life.
its time to go be "that drunk guy nobody knows"....again.
Have you seen my high heels that I wore out?
You mean the one that you threw at the parked cop car or the one in the microwave?
i cleaned the weed out of my bowl, pretended it was a spoon and ate oatmeal with it. my mom cried
I will never try to masturbate with americas funniest home videos playing in the background ever again
Why's my alcoholism being used to prove a point?
At least they aren't charging us for the broken diving board...
I jammed my finger giving him a hand job. Don't ask how, I'm still trying to figure that out.
He made a deal with his real estate agent called fucking in 50 properties for sale
I don't know how a coffee date turned into road head. But hey
The cop asked me why my pants were around my knees when he woke me from the sink, i replied "Officer, my underwear is still on, nothing bad happened" then he nodded in acknowledgement and we carried on with the paper work.
Can you explain to me why I showed my boobs to the firemen to get free beer?
hes sooooo boring!!! I feel like I’m in a relationship with myself now. I have an 8 inch dildo under my bed, THATS how much I’m in a relationship with myself.
I rewired his car so that every time he hits the gas the horn and the OnStar turn on every time he hits the brake the panic alarm goes off.
Randomize
