i found literally half of a double sided dildo in my shower. i guess someone went home happy.
Do you think he likes his girlfriend's moustache?
Just saw a baby with a T-shirt that read "I am the result of my mother forgetting to take her magic pills". I can't believe they make shit like that.
You just kept mumbling, "Shit shit shit, the muffin man owes me money." Repeatedly.
he called me back to his office so he could lick a line of pixie stick off of my thigh
be sure to add "office slut" to your resume
Thanks for buying me a sippy cup, its so pretty and everyone keeps telling me its probably the best gift anyone could have given me
what are we doing this weekend?
I have enough booze to get us through Armageddon...which basically means that on Sunday we will have to make a trip to the liquor store.
Even jesus won't love me after tonight. I'm going hard.
Fuck I keep finding new battle scars from our fight. Justin told me I stabbed you with a broom handle.. Do you remember ripping my pants off?
I was stumbling so much, men walking behind us were shouting "don't hit the pole! don't hit the pole!" whenever I was near a telephone pole.
Made up a full house drinking game
On my way.
Yeah, but I think it would be a little awkward to explain to Mom that the girl I brought for lunch is not my girlfriend but just a fuck buddy who I met after she hit and totaled my car last month.
At the ER. John needs stiches. Fuck pub trivia nights.
Am I just high or is she having an auction for her vagina on Twitter
I offer naked tickle fights and orgasms and you call it trouble. I call that Christmas.
Randomize
