I got you a housewarming gift. It starts with "A" and ends with "bottle of Jameson"
debating whether or not to save the package from my first plan b pill. it would be a nice addition to any baby book.
Did you really just use your nipple as a unit of measurement?
Housing came buy and confiscated our shopping cart :(
It was just a friend comforting a friend. Except his penis was inside of me.
We had a deepthroating contest with breadsticks at Olive Garden
This is embarrassing but i think i might have left my fake tooth at your house on your night stand.
Gas station champagne. And before you say anything I'll have you know it's imported. From California. So get fucked.
Just hooked up my fuck buddy with a job working for my dad...this can only end bad.
She couldn't understand why my walking in on her 70 year old parents ruined any chance of a boner for at least an hour. I think she's too slow for me to fornicate with.
it'll be like a game of Russian Roulette, but with my vagina.
Didn't realize he fucked me in a bed a dog is always in until my face swelled two sizes and I had hives all over my body. This is God's way of punishing me for having amazing sex.
I CAN'T FALL IN LOVE WITH SOMEONE WHO HAS A LISP. I JUST CAN'T.
i just remember singing the theme song from 2 and 1/2 men to my hair
I've realized that my life is a cycle of high that is only broken by sobering up at work, which only happens because I can't smoke more
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