In regards to your tweet: as its been said on all of those posters on ffffound: keep calm and carry on
grandma shit on top of the toilet
some guy just got out of his chair quietly. Laid down on the floor and is now asleep in between rows in my lecture hall. He must have had a rough night.
he got his own cum in his own eye. TWICE. how do you make that mistake again?
I wish i could put a picture of my ass of my resume...that seems to be the only way i will ever get hired
He keeps asking me for girl advice, i told him im an expert at getting drunk, not girls
I also referred to her clitorous as her "vagina dot" last night...probably going to be dumped soon.
You know what, I don't care that I got too drunk and didn't make it into the boat party. If I had, I probably wouldn't have peed on you later while we soundly slept. I feel you need that in a best friendship.
On second thought, is it weird that I scheduled a surgery that determines my fertility around lingerie football night? I might have fucked up priorities.
Absolutely not. I would have done the exact same thing.
This will always be remembered as the Christmas I had 15 Russians sing christmas carols to me at 130am alone in a gas station while I was stoned on pot brownies
Operation: 12 Dick pics of Christmas was a sweeping success, thanks for asking!
I am now picking what guy I will hang out with based on how many Pokémon they live near.
I don't know how to say "Sorry I was banging your boyfriend before I knew about you but you're awesome and we should hang out." without just saying it.
How can i make it up 2 u?
DREW I AM SMOKING POT AND FUCKING. WE CANNOT DISCUSS THIS AT THIS PARTICULAR JUNCTURE.
i'm bringing homemade birthday cake and homegrown weed. how awesome is this text?
Randomize
