If he comes back to you and I'm left alone in lonelytown I'm totally going to poo on your car.
I'm driving to work with an ice pack on my vagina. how was your weekend?
I need you to come over. Im crying, day drinking and working out simultaneously.
I was just about to send a concerned text until I opened my door and saw a shopping cart. I'm glad you made it home in one piece and with toys.
It's a long way off yet but I've started planning my eviction party. Be prepared, it includes jungle juice.
It was a two-sided wall so part of my body ended up in someone elses condo.
Call me when your ready for an explanation about the ham in your vagina.
Finished watching the entire first season of mighty morphing power rangers. Now I have nothing. Not even a life.
Hey man. We haven't met but my name is Ben. I threw up a bunch at your house last night. I heard you smoke though so I'll smoke you out anytime.
I appreciate your acceptance of my lack of morals
starting to feel like a fuck wizard with a magical sixth sense for people fucking.
I saved a sauce packet from taco bell that said "Free me" to use in my next break up.
After he came, he took a two minute power nap and then fucked me for another 45 minutes. He is a machine!
We got stoned and watched Disney movies all night. I think I'm in love.
I’d clean the kitchen before making food. Mark “rang in the New Year” with some rando in there last night
Randomize
