Jake died.
WTF????????? That's how you tell me????
Oops typo. Jake cried.
My dad assaulted a TSA agent this morning. Shut down airport security. Don't tell me that your family is embarrassing.
I just added her as a friend on Facebook. I met her 5 minutes ago and there are already more than 50 pics of me uploaded... from other nights.
I am trying to think of a way to make alcohol cupcakes
She either was great at sex or I finished the whole bottle of svedka my self
He pretended my clit ring was a door knocker.
I haven't gone out since the baby was born. If I don't get arrested, in a fight, or both I'm going to be super pissed.
I have reached the state of intoxication where it is now a requirement to sit while peeing.
I'm in this weird masturbatory haze making onion rings. If you want to come over we can eat these suckers and play TF2.
Why don't we hang out more often?
Do you ever feel like your dog agrees with you? Like REALLY really agrees.
I'm not sure what is worse, the fact that Hoffman doesn't sell vodka before 9am or that I was trying to buy vodka at 8:30am.
Why the fuck was I face down on the floor with you mounting me like a horse anyway? I'm so confused
you bet i'm gonna rock his four-foot-two world.
My moral compass kept pointing to his penis.
She tied me to the bed and did lines off my chest before sex. I’m going to put that on my bucket list just so I can cross it off
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