I just realized that if I marry him I will have the same last name as spiderman. this makes my decision so much harder.
Mike and I just ate the lobster we found in the toilet
I was the one passing out cake at the bars
I just texted him and asked him to keep some in case I need help sealing the deal.
Girl Scout cookies are like roofies for fat chicks.
Just found a uh poem I wrote on ambien. It says to "cry your seamen filled tears" and "I hope you take a dagger to your vagina" and at the end it says "sincerely, God". What.the.fuck do they put in that pill?
Come over, we're having a tea party. And by a tea party I mean we're drinking whiskey from tea cups.
Hey. There is naked girl with "plz don't touch her. She just turned 21" sharpied on her chest. What happened last night?
He is what would appear if the douche troop all had rings and we summoned someone like the Captain Planet kids.
I can't! Its just like the night that I bathed you, I didn't tell anyone.
I better make out with at least 3 princesses and 4 animals this weekend.
your keys are upstairs on the nightstand or I put them in the hole in the wall
And all i could do was bury the part of me that felt guilty for cradle robbing and put on my dick swallowing bib.
Apparently I've texted the word shitfucked so much it auto-completes it now.
I'm not drunk or hungover and I don't have to work. My body is sooo confused!
Standing straight up with intensity he came in his own mouth. I know this because he showed me the video from five different angles when asked if I would like him to demonstrate. And I did.
Randomize
