DUDE. I'm missing my big toenail. My bed has blood all over it. WHAT DID WE DO LAST NIGHT?
I don't know, but I chipped my tooth and I'm wearing different underwear.
i just woke up in the woods behind my house in handcuffs and a dan marino jersey ive never seen before
i wonder what megan fox's vagina feels like.
Heaven soaked bacon.
He made me pinky-promise that he gave me an orgasm.
i just licked mashed potatoes off my blackberry. i'm not even ashamed to admit that to you.
Alright this has to stop. Without adderall I don't even have the motivation to get laid. College has ruined me.
normally i would apologize for my drunk texting but even sober me agrees.
My cab driver just texted me 'goodnight beautiful'. I think my 'desperate for a guy phase' has just moved into a fuck my life phase.
But you're the one who should be jamming foreign objects into my vaj instead of an old weird lady. I mean, it is your birthday....
Well. We had sex and then watched 6 episodes of Dateline NBC together; only breaking the silence to make disapproving noises at shotty police work. So basically yea I'm gonna marry him.
My mom added me on Snapchat which means I am officially done with Snapchat.
I still can't believe a guy pooped in my backyard
I want you to know. From the bottom of my heart, that you are a great friend, a beautiful person, and one of my favorite people in this world. But if you ever send me that many messages again at 4am I swear to God, I will push you in from of a fast running rhino
But I only have 2 emotions angry and horny
You yelled "Shame!" like you were that bitch from Game of Thrones and then hit my balls full force with your sports bra
Randomize
