Somebody spraypainted a transformers head on a transformer box..my life is complete
I need a secretary to manage my drinking schedule.
Dude. Hurry up. They just blessed the tequila.
She said, "I don't really go out much, but my husband recently cheated on me" and I don't remember anything after that.
let's just skip the pleasantries and go back to my place for pizza and casual sex
Maybe he'll be famous someday and I can forget that anything embarrassing may have happened and just say that I fucked that famous guy.
The only explanation I can think of is that he still likes me. Which gives me an enormous amount of power over him and makes me laugh with malicious intent.
I just power smoked 3 bongs, ate hot cocoa mix before making hot cocoa, and realized James Spader's character on The Office reminds me of your mom.
Finals drinking + forgeting you had to take your ambien because you work at 6am mid paper= drunk logic which then entails going on a "detox" run. Puking your guts put in the field house bushes while some random guy says to you "its okay. We're marching on."
Mom and I are both drunk and walking around the Strip. It's like the hangover but with a lot more bathroom breaks.
Sext: Bring me pancakes from the midnight breakfast gathering please
He told me to leave him behind and bury him in his batman pajamas. So two lessons I guess, don't give Tom whiskey and don't touch his daddy issues with a twenty nine and a half foot pole.
god i just can't wait for finals to end so i can just masturbate all day and night
Why did I wake up naked with a leg cramp and and extra $550 in my wallet?
I opened the bathroom door and the starting point gaurd was eating out my art history professor
Randomize
