dont quote avril lavinge. im to drunk.
you have to be so drunk to ignore a taser
If she were to ever cheat on her husband, I'm positive I'm the the go to guy. Which flatters me and weirds me out at the same time.
You would be too ashamed to ever love me again if you saw the filth I just created. It brings unspeakable dishonor to the nacho dynasty. Like I raped the king's daughter, cut off her hands and made him eat them that's how hard I fucked up nachos.
All I know is that I'm not gonna send out SOS messages via twitter for your rescue this time.
So I feel like I should feel objectified by your comment about my boobs but instead I just feel proud. 21ST CENTURY FEMINISM, BABY
The entire state will know me by my boobs.
these are times I'm glad I'm Jewish because the Torah is just like "drink, eat, and fuck"
There are two guys's cum on my sheets. Be a man and be the third.
My phone autocorrects "pooping" to "popping" and I'm like DO YOU EVEN KNOW ME??!
This strip club is mediocre. Talent is fine. Fung shui is bad.
I didn't know I was invited to an orgy.
The prescription the hospital gave me for pain and nausea doubles for my hangovers... Maybe I'll hit up the ER more often
I did not get pleasing results from googling “Bob Ross goat”
i could have got laid, but instead, i threw up in her hair. you can cross that off the bucket list.
Randomize
