Texts From Last Night · Random Texts

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(774): View more from Massachusetts

if you don't open the door right now liz is going to get pregnant

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(720): View more from Colorado

the quote on the bathroom wall was "stop reading this and focus on peeing" and i realized i'd peed on the seat.

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(252): View more from North Carolina

I had sex with billy mayes last night. HE KEPT IN CHARACTER THE WHOLE TIME.

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(704): View more from North Carolina

i cant belive i got a ticket! i know what his dick tastes like!

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(602): View more from Arizona

This little shit keeps eating the playdoh so i replaced the green with wasabi from work. Wonder what his parents are gonna think when he burns his soft palette?

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(248): View more from Michigan

Yup. We're now banned from TWO of our nation's finest zoos.

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(610): View more from Pennsylvania

Was in the middle of a keg stand, the frat guys dropped me, and I broke my nose. My mom didn't enjoy that call from the hospital.

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(636): View more from Missouri

Just set myself on fire a little bit. Made me think of you.

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(818): View more from California

How ironic... opening your legs for closure.

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