i'm sure her mom would have loved to find out her daughter has herpes via facebook
i wanna do a homemade sex video in sepia and pretend were in the early 20th c
you know you've made it when it's your own pool table you're waking up on
drunk making out is the fucking beeeest. specially when it's your exboyfriend
I wonder if you'll be as excited about this as you are now tomorrow morning.
DUDE, DID YOU KNOW YOU CAN JUST RENT AN ELEPHANT???
Oh God.
I'm not mad at you for letting me use my air mattress as a toilet, i'm mad at you for letting me lay back down on it.
I'm watching my cat lick a used condom wrapper on my nightstand and I'm too hungover to move and do anything about it. Tequila Tuesdays can not be a thing.
Also I played a weird game of chicken in the ladies room at work between myself the person pooping 2 stalls over and a very determined maintenance man.
I have more sex toys than shoes - HOW AM I SINGLE?!?!?
Got stuck at my fwb place for three days because I decided sex was more important than my safety in the weather. Worth it.
Well, he hasn't actually seen me naked. Just my boobs... and the left side of my vagina.
Is there anything more American than getting day drunk and watching Hulk Hogan promos?
You punched me in the face while blackout. 20 min later I told you I'd been punched in the face and you yelled 'by who, imma go kill 'em!'
He literally shoved the EMT, climbed in the back of the ambulance with his vodka and was like, "C'mon, people. Wrap this up. I got shit to do."
My drunk ass is being chauffeured around like the damn queen of England
Randomize
