i told my grandma i broke up with my boyfriend. her reply " you need to play the field more anyway"
My brain is officially off for summer until late august. If that guy wants to fuck me, he better do it soon.
i just got cockblocked by a guy drinking wine straight out of the bottle with a straw...
Apparently she doesn't appreciate the significance of eskimo sisterhood as much as I do.
Nothing like hearing a USA chant while getting head. God bless America.
mom just made me 'sorry-you-have-hpv-pancakes'
she scratched her sororities letters into my back when she was done. i think i was part of some sick game. sick twisted sexy game
Just thought you should know that we coat checked our fairy wings last night. Getting belly up to the bar was way more important that wearing our costumes.
Aaaaand then she sang MDMA to the tune of the YMCA song, with appropriate gestures.
I took the weekend off because he and I were supposed to go to Vegas for our anniversary and get a hooker remember?
Ah, yes. Who says romance is dead?
You're 34. You can't make guys wait till the third date anymore. Step it up!
You just managed to turn Doctor Seuss into a sext. I really like you now.
I mean it's up to you where you want to sleep but I'm telling you you're going to hear us have sex no matter what room you're in.
Fair enough
So you're not opposed to us ever having sex again? Because it just seems like such a waste to let a penis like yours go.
the guy in front of me in walmart is buying a blowtorch, potato chips, and condoms. I'm curious and horrified at the same time.
Randomize
