Apparently mid blow job I started crying telling her how "Wonderful this blow job is"
i asked a few people if they wanted to make pancakes with me but no one would. thats why i'm drunk by myself right now
Is drinking merlot and watching womens figure skating by myself gay?
I feel like I should I write an apology note to the frat for falling down stairs, passing out on the couch, and chugging the entire bottle of burnetts at semiforml last weekend. Apparently I was the main topic of discussion at their chapter meeting last night.
I tried to show my boob for free volcano tacos at taco bell last night. Not boobs. Just boob. The manager wasn't allowing it.
I gave his parents a candle as a thanks for letting me hang out there all the time. Which i guess is more accurately a thanks-for-letting-me-fuck-your-son candle
if i ever get hit by a car or something and become paralyzed promise me youll still be here to hand feed me shots and light my bowls please
ripping the fire alarm off the wall probably seemed like a better idea last night than it really was.
Well that's the second time I've broken a lamp during sex this month. Starting to worry I'm some kind of X-man. (this one was a wall sconce and I fully smashed it with my head and it crumbled like it was made of sugar)
dude, we need a reunion soon, my vagina needs a deep massage. The kitty is ready to play
Well, that was my first dog walk of shame. Nothing says "I've got my life together" like an inside out shirt and a baggie full of dog shit.
Why is your solution always to masturbate
Because it usually works
MILK DIDN'T HELP. IT'S NOT HELPING
Not to be gross and awkward, but I just had sex outside in the rain on the hood of a lexus
The bouncer said the club was at capacity we couldnt get in till ppl left all three of them pulled their tits out we got complimentary bottle service never under estimate women
Randomize
