i'm chasing tequila w mint flavored ice cream, phil's chasing it w cream cheese, bashar's chasing it w pickles...i think we all know who the winner is....
I decided that not getting a job after college is gods way of telling me I will make a great housewife
um i just went through the in-n-out drive thru and meant to ask for my cheeseburger animal style. turns out what i actually said was, can i get that cheeseburger doggy style? been a rough weekend.
Now there are two cop cars. If I go to jail I just would like to thank you for making me wear boxers.
Just had a flash back. Pretty sure i ate toilet paper last night.
who am I kidding I don't have any dignity. Plus we're not doing a porno, we're just doing random things naked
Living room yoga. I'm too hungover to deal with anyone else's chi today.
Made out with a girl in a wheelchair and rode her around while I was blackout. On a new level.
I was dressed as bob Ross as this occurred
While all the other girls were trying to out skut the next, Cameron was just doing cartwheels around the bar. I think she's the only one who got laid.
Crap I still need to get you a wedding gift. I'm just gonna give you a bag full of cash, lube, and condoms. And I'll use furry handcuffs instead of ribbon to tie the gift bag handles together.
You talked the cab driver into taking a shot from your flask at a red light because "Ray Charles would want him to"
I think he thought I was too drunk to handle his parrot
i'm eating chex mix in the shower while texting. i feel accomplished.
I had a threesome last night with my fiance' and our soon to be best man. Everyone is surprisingly chill about it this morning. Is this any indication of what the wedding night will be like?
I knew I no longer wanted to bone him when he put the Grease soundtrack on as "mood music", no guy looks attractive singing and dancing to greased lightning naked.
Randomize
