good news, i'm not pregnant. bad news, i had sex with ***** last night and i think i'd rather be pregnant
I think condoms have that nasty latex smell to remind you in the morning of how gross you are.
and when i screamed you came in my eye, i found out that everyone else in the room had only pretneded to be sleeping
too bad being hungover isnt a job. just threw up from 9am to 5pm
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just started drinking the sprite you used to ice your crotch last night. Missing you already
Just think about it this way, every time you work Sunday, it's another $75 and that equals another hooker when we go to Amsterdam.
I'm sorry. I think I have multiple personalities. Or it was the acid. Either way. I'm sorry.
One step ahead. Always. Roses are red, violets are blue... I'm gonna fuck you with a rake.
Will you judge me if i do shots in my basement closet first? No? Okay good
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I want to fuck the side burns off of Steve.
I gotta give him props though, I've never been propositioned for sex via flash mob.
Turns out he's not a Doctor Who fan, I mumbled Alons-y as I went down on him. He asked who Alan was. No more drunk sex for me!
Our relationship is perfect
90% threatening to punch him in the dick 10% actual dickpunching
Booze, boobs, blunts and batman. dude, I'm livin' the life.
Thanks for fucking the skin off my dick
It was a joint effort between my vagina my feet and your hand you can't just blame that all on me
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