so i stopped by cvs on the way home this morning, turns out hallmark doesnt make an im sorry my friend puked on your friend card, call me if were still speaking
I don't care where my tongue is but i t's going to be in all the pictures.
I just single handedly caused ferngully by printing the wrong 900 page document
Not many best friends can say they've all made out with a homeless guy
how thoroughly do i need to sanitize the cone the vet put around my dog's neck for it to be safe to use as a beer bong?
by the end of the night two people were passed out at the table, three on the couches, and one in the bathroom. it looked like someone pumped sleeping gas into the middle of a dinner party.
Thank you for making it possible for me to get laid while having peace of mind my dog is well taken care of.
I just want to have sex and eat oreos. and then take body shots. like everyday.
Then he shook the next streetlight but this one broke and fell over. He told me, "This is the part where we run."
I'm going to be drunk and braless all weekend. Let the festivities begin!
It made me want to take you home, put you in footie pajamas and feed you spaghettios
I was gonna respond but i couldnt figure out a way to rearrange 'fuck his brains out' to sound grammatically correct
Last night he told me I was never sexier than when I was cutting pizza. Seriously. Like, he's perfect.
What happened last night?
Lets just say you asked me a couple times if you had eyeballs..
My life is just a trash fire of work and Japanese video games now
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