That's why they call him "the cheesegrater".
He set an alarm on my phone to an infant screaming and puking to make sure i take my pill. its working.
The owner of this phone is no longer accepting texts from liars, assholes or married men. You figure out which one applies.
He took a girl home tonight that he was trying to sell a fridge to. She wanted a fridge and got his dick. He's got a talent.
He's trying to marry me, when is the appropriate time to tell him my real name and that Dallas is a completely fictitious slutty alter ego? I need the advice of someone with morals.
Oh that's what I forgot last night.. To make out with her.
I'll just tell your children you were the queen of drunk town and you had a giant purple monkey named bongo
I'm reffing a fight in Fight Club I don't even know what I'm doing
Dear God, please let me get my period. And if this one is fiercer than usual I completely understand.
I watch one musical on Netflix, and the "Suggested for you" section is literally almost the entire gay movie category. I feel profiled, and netflixs' accuracy about my sexuality is both impressive and offensive.
Something I never want to forget. I'm in a porta potty and she is outside knocking on the door going "You're a queen. You're a queen. Never think any different"
I mean I made my therapist laugh so hard she cried....so yes, my life is literally a joke to everyone
Is it weird that the girl I'm fucking just wished me luck on my date tonight?
I was pretty pissed in the morning when I realized he had fucked the fake tattoo right off my chest.
last time we tried to watch a movie together, we ended up having really aggressive sex. during the Lion King. so what Disney classic will we be ruining this time?
Randomize
