You were running around the house with a purple crayon asking people to call you harold..
I think the best way to start out any day is to watch 80's music videos. It's like visual wheaties.
Why does every girl think its ok to cheat on their boyfriends with me?
i made two phi delts show me their dicks in less than 30 words! Take that twitter!
after the cops left he pulled the weed out of his ass and we smoked it
so my dad walked in on us having sex
lulz really? why?
lets just say he wont be answering to 'daddy' for a loooooong time
i was trying to wake him up so i just kept touching his dick
We found a stripper pole in your closet. It seemed like a good idea. Alex will fix the hole in your wall. Sorry.
I just sniffled when I woke up and got a bump of coke. I have never felt so good hung over.
Selling drugs in raindeer antlers is the best way to spread christmas cheer
If throwing a bottle across the bar, hitting a skank in the head and not getting caught was an Olympic event, you'd bring merica the gold every time
Current status: Finding an unwrapped portion of Subway sandwich in my purse at the pharmacy counter & picking pieces of tomato off my wallet while the pharmacist watches disdainfully.
Did you offer her some?
If only. Current status: Not that clever.
All I can think about are the cheese it's on my desk at work this morning. Like are those apologetic cheese it's or does he seriously think he still has a shot..
My diet fell off the wagon when I began texting the pizza delivery guy my location on frat row.
I had to explain to an ER nurse that I burned my dick playing onion ring toss today, your social awkwardness hardly compares.
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