I think the universe is against us being together. Or maybe it's just god's way of telling me there is a bigger dick out there for me.
I found a girl on our couch wearing lederhosen this mornig... I dont know if i should be impressed or ashamed
whoever says they hate hangovers just doesnt know how to embrace them. i'm eating a mashed potato sandwich and watching grind.
this is not the time for floating mt dew and shots of tequila.
As payment for all the times you have babysat me while im drunk, im giving you the shorts i stole from the guy i stayed with on friday night. They're clean. Come get em.
is it possible that there's a used condom holding pennies in my bra? I'm so confused on what happened last night...
well I have to shit but I'm too hungover to push, and I snorted advil so I wouldn't have to swallow it and throw up.. hungover is an understatement.
I think the closest to heaven you can get in this world is your morning dump after a night of Molly
You should be glad you didn't come with last night. I watched pirate porn for the first time in my life as the 9th wheel.
At least I remembered to wear a bra. I feel like that's a big accomplishment right now
I'm going through our high school yearbook trying to find what boys I want to hook up with this summer. We graduated four years ago. That's a problem.
He added me to his contacts as 'boot and rally'...have you ever been more proud to be related to me?
I can't wait to tell mom.
I stole us four large rolls of toilet paper from the hotel carts. I feel like the breadwinner in this relationship
At some point the phrase "I've hit rock bottom" stopped having a meaning and became my general state of life
So...I know we have a conversation later this week. But one of the key things I want to know is if I can specify having my body mummified and buried in Egypt (or at least nearby the Luxor in Vegas). How much money do you think that would cost? Do I need to increase my life insurance policy?
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