Gettin pulled over, can you watch my dog and pay the bils for a while?
Yeah, she'd be cute...but she has faith. It's a problem down south.
someone just broke into my class and invited everyone to the bar ...now we're filling out a police report. awesome.
Its... i dont even know. theres lots of rap music and i cant find my shoes
Well my dad thinks I wake up at 3 or 4 am every day. Really it is just all the booty calls, but I'm glad he thinks I am so motivated
He was peeing on the back wall of a building. He would have been okay if the building hadn't been a police station.
She found the planted magnum condom..once she figured it out it was too late.
it is basically gonna be an ugly Christmas sweater rave
all I know is this drummer better stop eye fucking me while he plays cowbell. it is way too early for that.
When you have to have Siri remind you that you're on your period cuz you're so drunk you keep forgetting about tampons it might be time to call it a night.
I just masturbated while watching Say Yes to the Dress
This is what my life has come to
Also, what day were you thinkin we should trip balls at the children's museum?
I didn't know how to commemorate his death, so I snorted a fat line off of his obituary. Rest in peace.
The tequila monkeys have a drum solo in my skull right now. I can't imagine Emily feels better.
I walked in to you guys using a milk jug as a gravity bong
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