She wants out first dance to be to 98 degrees i do cherish you...remember how i said we didn't need open bar....
I don't care what anyone says I want strippers at my funeral.
But please don't judge me if i smell like mustard
I'm sitting here in nothing but my panties, eating beef jerky and reese's for breakfast.Today is not the day to expect me to make sound life decisions.
I was pissing in the urinal at the concert and some drunk chick ran in and yelled 'but the lines to fucking long' then ran out with 10 state troopers chasing her... Yeah
No. And Marissa said shitting in the handicap bathroom at work does not get you into the club. You have to shit yourself. She said.
My middle name is suave and my vagina shoots rainbows, what else would you expect?
The cab driver is now flexing at a red light...
When I was leaving this morning he gave me some candy off his floor to prove he was a nice guy... He definitely knows the way to my heart. Best one night stand ever
Turns out the guy I peed on gave me a ride back to my dorm this morning.
You are a god.
She needs sedatives and a leash
Are we on the same shift tomorrow and more importantly do you want your pants back?
my goal for the rest of college is to escape STD free. fuck getting a job. this is more important.
I'm definitely single now but she stole my mailbox
I thought we agreed to no sexting at the school bake sale...
Randomize
