Do you not remember dry humping your dog for 20 minutes at oxfest dude?
I hope the prosecutor is a dude cause my lawyer is hot.
i realized really quickly that drinking a bottle of vodka and 3 crystal light packets wasn't the best idea i've ever had
i drank out of my shoe...were you seriously expecting me to be the voice of reason?
At 4am he sent "uree asss ize anmazin"
Before you become official, we should get a hotel room and fuck our brains out. Sort of like a going away party for your penis.
I started making breakfast to subdue the hangover and last of the shrooms and only got as far as eating a half frozen pierogi out of a dixie cup.
We need to get sombreros so I can give them to strippers.
Uuh, dude you came running out of the bar screaming you didn't want to hear that song, ran face first into a truck, spun around 3 times and hit the sidewalk. I tried to catch you.
He tried to give me a shoulder massage while i peed in the neighbors bushes to "make it more relaxing."... I let him... That drunk
Please be advised that because of last year's "incident" we will no be starting St. Pat's day with spicy breakfast burritos and car bombs. Please plan accordingly.
I apparently insisted on hugging all the bushes and apologizing for pollution on the way home.
There is naked swordfighting and something green and alcoholic going on in the basement. COME. OVER. NOW.
I work nights. I sleep in. I take online classes. And fuck bad bitches. I'd say those are some perks to grad school.
I just tried to dye my pubic hair teal for her
Randomize
