3:26am: come over
you purposely dodge me and you could have stopped me from leaving, you know how far i live. YOU come over
4:11am: mnlodp
dude I don't understand hebrew and I'm not coming over
the thought of Anne Coulter teabagging Dick Cheney kills me everytime.
Apparently married women at the office don't like getting congratulated on getting "knocked up"
Ambien does the same to me. One time that I took it, I got this huge bowl of spaghetti out of the fridge and thought it was a castle and that the meatballs were little slaves. I ate all of them first and then the noodles were the soldiers and the sauce was the water in the moat. And when I finished, I fell up the stairs and threw it all up.
OMFG BINX FROM HOCUS POCUS IS MCGEE IN NCIS!!!!!!!! most. epic. realization. ever.
people are starting to question the shark bite story
The first song on his sex mix was "highway to the danger zone"
will emailing you the 64 kama sutra positions I want to try during the 3 days your here turn you on or terrify you?
He still lectured me about forgetting shit. Than he said he's gonna paint me green so I can stand in a corner and be a plant.
Apple trackpads and semen don't mix. On the way to the Apple Store.
If it's not soft enough to fuck on, then we're not getting the new rug.
But mostly fuck him senseless. Render him speechless. Have him look at my vagina and wonder, "WHAT SORCERY IS THIS?!"
We just got home a lil bit ago. No sorority girls showed except the ugly swimmer chick and she asked if I've ever faked an orgasm.
When I was hooking up with this guy last night all I could think about was if we were in Game of Thrones... I need to stop doing drugs
Not my fault people bought me shots. waving a shot in my face is like waving a cock in yours
Randomize
