Woke up on the floor with my glow stick in one hand & dollar bills in the other. Good. Morning.
he had a sign stolen from the tennis court hanging above his bed that said, "please limit play to one hour while others are waiting"
he was shitfaced drunk and couldn't walk but could still recite the top 10 in order from the first season of american idol. impressive
I just taped a plastic bag to my ceiling for the next time I have to throw up on the top bunk. Why am I so good at college?
Just found puke on my backpack while sitting in class. It's like this weekend won't leave me alone.
votre penis est TRES GRAND. i used vous because your penis is SO big
I could barely talk to the cabbie and I was text bombing everyone. They need to make an auto timer app to prevent people like me from belligerent late night harrassing. And I was seeing double... Prob would have tried to give your leg a bj and then fallen down the stairs.
Drinks appeared in front of me. Who am I to deny destiny? And by destiny, I mean free drinks, which appear by magic.
whose ass print is on the piano?
THERE IS SOMEONE IN MY CAR MILKING HERSELF AND TELLING ME TO TRY IT
So you told me to remind you that you vomited 3 times in the street because you would forget so here is your reminder
Omg that was my second thought of the morning.
First was that we had pop tarts.
Almost lost a vagina lip in the great shave of '16
She lured me back to her place with pizza and tits. I was totally helpless
I guess when the asshole said “I really miss you and want to get back together” he actually meant “I’m banging a Hooters girl behind your back.”
I hope she gives him gonorhea
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