There comes a time in every man's life where he has to shit in a catbox to prove a point.
he said no girl had ever swallowed his cum before
he probably also told you he thought u were pretty
we went through the mcdonalds drive through and you asked for a free sample of their fries to see how you liked them.
weed salsa. i deserve a nobel prize
went thru the pain of a Brazilian and he's passed the fuck out while i eat Doritos and watch tbs. fuck married life i want out
At the time, making out with dudes for keg money seemed like a genius idea. Now I realize it was borderline prostitution.
ok perfect im about to bedazzle our mini keg named hans. he is ready to rage
I'm ordering a large vanilla ice cream with rainbow sprinkles so when I vom tonight it will look like lisa frank dolphins in acid trip colors
I'd like to be surprised that there's a picture of someone pouring champagne in my boobs on Instagram, but I can't.
You got her pregnant one week before your vasectomy? You couldn't wait one week to cheat on me?
If I was a guy I'd keep a condom in my pocket, in my wallet, in my backpack, in my car, in my shoe, behind my fucking ear
Glow Paint looked great for the Black Light Party last night, Tonight having a glow in the dark Pizza on my arm, not so much.
Dude mama brought home the bacon, i got his HBO account i guess that makes up for his by par skills in bed.
In between explaining the best feminist lenses for the myth of Persephone and doing vodka shots with my friends she dragged me into my car and gave me an Earth shattering blow job. Honestly I think I'm in love.
If Dr Phil has taught me anything about myself, it’s that I can seriously relate to those women who fake their pregnancies.
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