Solid performance last night. Wanna be fuck buddies?
It felt like his penis had an endoskeleton.
I got drunk and smashed his tv with the keg and so he blames me for being evicted.
we walked around the neighborhood with caution tape tied around our foreheads, making indian noises. I might have disturbed a crime scene to make a native american headdress.
You stumbled in at 10am, half-clothed and still drunk from last night and yelled "well, its not called a walk of pride!", then passed out on the couch.
I just stuck my fingers down her throat so she could puke. I mean what are friends for
Oh my god she just threw up on her dog
There are reggae songs being written about me...where have I gone wrong in life?
I was so stoned last night I got into an argument with your voicemail message.
Benefits of having to stay in jail for the weekend: learned how to make my own make up out of colored pencils. Also how to make use of toothpaste for hair products. Downfall was probably getting hit on by a murderer. Only me.
Are you coming down for 4/20 or does Easter kinda fuck that up for you?
He wants Portugal to lose so badly he threw out all the sangria. You know how depressing it is to watch someone dump 4 gallons of heaven?
Like who turns down taking a nap inside of someone in 2014.
I was struggling morally, but once I let go, I came pretty hard.
I'm disgusted with myself. Who goes down on their Uber driver? This asshole
The cop asked me why my pants were around my knees when he woke me from the sink, i replied "Officer, my underwear is still on, nothing bad happened" then he nodded in acknowledgement and we carried on with the paper work.
Randomize
