My girlfriend figured out who you are.
i just practiced my bj skills on a banana in front of the mirror
its going to be a good night
I mistook a propane tank for a keg.
The last mom I slept with was the worst lay ever. Imagine fucking a hairy wet pillow for 60 minutes. Good luck with your milf. I was joking about the Susan Boyle comment btw.
His pick up line was "your one sexy pumpkin, I'd love to carve." Why would you let me go home with him?
For future reference "I'm too drunk to come today" is an acceptable line to get out of work. I love my job
I was more than drunk as hell I have rug burn on my elbows from ninja roles on the ground..
What is the current exchange rate for ramen to jello shots?
That's some primal shit right there. My vagina is all like CONSUME HIM AND HIS FRUIT HE WILL GIVE YOU SONS!
We split an eighth of shrooms and went ice fishing. It didn't get weird until I caught one and we both started crying.
EW HE JUST SNAPPED ME A NUDE BUT HE CENSORED HIS DICK BY COLORING IT I DID NOT ASK FOR THIS
I will turn myself into a beacon of get at me bro
I wish I saved his nudes so I could anonymously submit them to his tumblr
"We hooked up and in the morning he emailed me his mix tape"
My disapointment is making my balls hurt :(
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