I am going to give you the keys to my place
Then I'll give you the keys to my heart
Gag me
Come help me clean. I know we won't be getting our security deposit back...but I would like to move out with our dignity.
How long is a courtesy make out supposed to last??
i feel this will be the best possible way to start a friendship. By breaking into his house.
This storm betta not fuck with taco tuesday
She's impossible to please. Other than with two fingers and a tongue.
I currently need breakfast in bed, morning sex, and a bourbon and diet coke. Make this happen
I just came so hard my vision went blurry. I can only hope one day I'll find a man that can accomplish what my left hand does on a tri-daily basis.
We're now referring to our nightly Skype time as "strokes of genius." Long distance sucks.
I'm actually kinda upset that we didn't consider velcro-ing detachable capes to our clothes before this moment.
Well you were listening to music and having sex really loudly. How was I supposed to know you'd hear me making rocket sounds?
Oh Jesus our whore days are numbered
yeah the cops just showed up and they got there ass handed to them at beer pong.
Why is there a horse in the backyard?
I stayed at my gfs last night. This is all on you.
In other news, my ex fuck buddy is a surprisingly good wingman.
Randomize
