I think she just tried to waterboard me with her vagina.
She went to the bathroom before i broke up with her so i changed all 2500 of her songs on her computer to "I'm a cheating whore"
I just used my thong as a hair tie. I think I reached my limit.
we were walking and you spelled the word "oats" to prove you weren't drunk.
they wouldn't let me take the pitcher of beer on the ferris wheel
speaking of creep .. love how I kept touching strangers faces at the bar ... and saying "Don't worry I'm a dermatologist"
I guess I could probably fit that in between deep self reflection and teenage mutant ninja turtles
The least you could do is send me some gibberish so I know you're alive.
Fuhga
Thank you.
You straight up wore me out. This should be a proud moment for you. It's almost like my penis is asking for a timeout. But not really
That moment half way through a run when you realize you have to take a giant shit. I was racing against my bowels that last mile. Now my sweat is suctioning my ass to this toilet seat. Enjoy that NSA.
Doug will be the one to get my vagina. I don't know when or how but I'm now declaring that it is his. And he better not disappoint.
Apparently drunk me thought it was a good idea to buy $100 worth of band aids and stick them all over everything in the apartment.
I will be DAMNED if anyone but me breastfeeds my cat.
See that doesn't work because we've had sex so its awkward for you to call me mom
For some reason, my alarm clock was unplugged & in the kitchen microwave. I don't remember doing that...
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