and this is why i am such an inspirational person, i am the Joel Osteen of alcoholics.
Drunk, high, and in a taco costume. Wish you were here.
Everyone is in jail. I'll see what i can do though
just snorted lines off a mancala board. I'm destined to win this game.
found a cell phone. in the freezer. wrapped in bologna. explain?
Euphemism? No, "pantsless vodka yoga" is a legitimate pastime of mine
She wouldn't put out on the first date. I think my boner put a hole in my mattress.
how many times have i told you.. they dont like when you laugh during sex
I'm trying to get fucked by 4 girls here, and you're worried about verb tenses?!
WHAT THE FUCK KIND OF NINTENDO FILLED GLORIOUS ENCHANTING FANTASY LAND ARE YOU IN?! DUDE DID YOU MOVE TO THE 90S?!?!?!
Brightest idea yet: lets drink enough at ladies-drink-free nights to make up for the cost of tampons. Breaking even on having vaginas!
I asked him for something to clean up with after sex and he handed me a sham wow. A SHAM WOW
When you woke up the first word out of your mouth was "whoa"
I was feeling the aftermath of his penis
We had sex in his hot tub. Then we saved a mouse that almost drown in his pool. We celebrated our heroism with more sex.
I'm trying to cause a divorce, your hooking up with a felon, I think we need Jesus.
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