My mom gets in bar fights. She doesn't go to bed early.
did i have both of my shoes on when the bouncer threw us out last night?
I love having a vagina, its like having the keys to a city
He sang nursery rhymes to my vagina to get me to have sex with him..
You were high and telling me you felt like Pinocchio and that fire was bad for wood.
I think my goal for this black wed is to not scream at an off duty state cop in a bar after trying to flirt with him. No need to make that an annual tradition
Last time we had an ultimatum like that, things went very far south. I'm down, but it's your turn to wake up in a hospital.
idk. a stripper just bit me. I'm so disoriented
Quick how do you hit on a guy in the car behind you? It's important.
We were fucking and his phone rang and it was his grandma. He just had a conversation with his grandma while fucking me from behind. Then his dad called and asked him what he wanted from taco bell.
Can someone explain to me why guys are so fascinated w their dicks that they feel like they'll die if they don't send unsolicited dick pics
Don't forget to bring $1s for the strippers. Make it rain!!!!
Thanks, mom, will do
Woke up with a lip tattoo that says "fake news" in case you're wondering about my wellbeing
I guess she found the pillow case full of vomit I hid last night: "Oh my God. Oh my God. In my fucking FRIDGE?! Really? Hope your dick falls off there's puke all over my food. Fucking die."
She's celebrating a tinder-match-aversary and I'm not about that.
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