I'm putting on too much make up bc I'm stoned
From the crime scene it appears that I attempted to throw up into a candle.
wait can you just look around please? that was my favorite bra and i've already asked like 3 other guys
I don't really want to explain to you right now but i just ate laundry detergent
I just realized. my grades aren't ready for st patties day...
Wow. I grabbed the wrong container to rinse my contacts- it was a beer. And it comes out waaaay faster than saline.
I just did a drunk experiment to find out what it looks like when you turn a burner on the stove on while wearing night-vision goggles. I may be blind in my right eye now.
They wont sell alcohol here on election day! HOW THE FUCK DO THEY EXPECT ME TO ENJOY THE ELECTION SOBER?
Do to my newly discovered condition I'm having to resort to emergency beat sessions to avoid the temptation to text girls I know are easy slams.
We can get high as fuck when there are no orders. If not its cool. I just figured Take Your Blunt Buddy To Work Day.
There's an owl outside. I feel like he's hooing directly at me.
Its like drunk me is Oprah except instead of a car everyone's award is seeing my boobs
Hey can you explain why there's a dissected coconut in my purse????
It's only considered alcoholism if you're drinking from something other than a cup....right?
Sometimes I feel like my vagina has a photographic memory of his penis. It sucks that he got engaged....
Randomize
