Just mixed Baileys and yoohoo. I feel like an alchoholic 2nd grader.
She was mid-sentence and then BOOM the hammock broke off the tree. I about pissed myself. Hot Sprite and Vodka make the world go round.
I am currently explaining what double penetration is to the bridesmaid I hooked up with at my cousin's wedding. This is my life.
Well it's been 24 hours and I still feel like a mammoth sat on my balls
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
When the cop tells you to leave the pool, does that mean you have to put your bathing suit back on too?
We're using joints as your birthday candles
In order to see him, he made me facetime with his penis, which he had drawn a smile face on. Getting laid shouldn't be this difficult.
I know that we've never been that tight but I want you to meet my cat before I move.
Now I have the walk of shame to give the receptionist the bathroom key back, I've had it for 20 minutes. I should just smile and wink. She knows what went down.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
You made me take a photo of you under the stairs at the bar. "Look I'm Harry Potter."
I'm so glad you haven't fallen off any more yachts
I was so drunk I got stuck in the middle of a revolving door
Just had a threesome for the second time in my life. I don;t even enjoy threesomes. Too much effort.
HOW DO THESE THINGS KEEP HAPPENING TO YOU?
I like shiny stuff tho if that’s an emotion
You make me want to do things that I'm pretty sure are illegal.
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