The police are arresting two women who got in a fight for the last Twilight DVD at Best Buy. Classic.
how did we ever eat at restaurants where they DIDNT squirt-gun tequila in our mouths?
Just spent the last of my lifesavings on (what i hope is enough of) alcohol. Hello summer.
Well at least he stopped keeping track of money by bottles of McCormick.
I got kicked out because I puked again I'm on the fire truck outside
It was a deal breaker when she told me not to wear a condom and god would decide if we were meant to be together.
guy in front of me at the pharmacy just asked the pharmacist for 2 Plan B's and replied with, "If your wondering, then yes I did have a threesome. It was amazing".
yeah...that's gonna come up in court
I'm glad you have such faith in my ability to find the worst situations with my vagina.
How's the hangover?
I've been begging my dog to mercy kill me for over an hour. He has this look like he might do it, you know, as my best friend should.
I just realized I haven't had a date or a potential possibility of a date in about a year. Then I realized I wanted to actually go on a date. But I'm sitting here getting high instead of being at a party. Life.
Not too bad but came home early cuz business was shut down due to an employee sexually harrassing the inspector
I just used a coke ridden $20 bill to buy Girl Scout cookies
She was going down on me before I had a chance to tell her I arrested her brother 3 hours earlier
I'm like a bad decision making factory. I need to sit down and have a chat with my decision making elves.
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