Those strippers last night smelled great. It was the perfect mixture of vanilla and daddy issues.
Still workable. Pretty sure i told her i'd eat her out in the woods.
you convinced me to pee myself because I was wearing dark jeans.
The amount of 12yr olds downtown right now boggles the mind. I can thank taylor swift for a glimpse at my future 3rd wife.
Just found a quarter that has been stuck to my boob since at least last night.
This is like the time you took a picture of your knees and told him it was your tits, isn't it?
What are you doing St Patricks day? I'm banned from all work parties with open bar ever since the cinco de mayo party that I dumped a drink on my co-workers head and played air guitar on my boss' ankle cast.
So what's today's forecast for the female rollercoaster you've been riding?
in the middle of getting head my cat meowed. she looked up , meowed back, and then continued giving me head.
I am literally sitting here with a jar of Nutella and a spoon, reading an article called "never drink alone again because now there's wine for cats." How single am I?
We could put on there: "Drink jager bombs and do stupid shit faster, with more energy!"
He wasn't excited for the fifty shades of grey trailer, so I told him we're done
I hate men. But I love dick. You see my problem?
Did we just second hand smoke crack?
I'm a teacher who's always telling kids about the importance of due diligence, yet I'm eating an avocado out of a coffee filter because I'm too lazy to wash dishes
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