I hope the prosecutor is a dude cause my lawyer is hot.
After we did it I noticed she was wearing the same underwear as last night.
That's why you don't sleep with the same girl two nights in a row man!
cat food counts as protein by the way
I'm sexting at the thanksgiving dinner table...this is a new holiday tradition.
She was wasted talking to my dad about the hunger games than she passed out in the shower and flooded the hotel room...
You are like a vicious sex animal persistently seeking prey
I think I reached some stage of aging, have a sore/injured shoulder from sex, next up carpal tunnel from sexting.
God he's so convenient, drugs, an parties all in one person. He's like the Walmart of delinquency.
Im at that shitty point in my day where I start planning night activities while finger dipping vyvance off of my desk, you got any plans?
I just had a fifteen minute conversation with a Raccoon by the garbage bin. I was feeding it chex mix.
Why did you make me get in the car with you and then not give me a ride? I woke up in a bar with a blanket on me.
What am I doing with my life
Sleeping with dudes who have peacocks apparently.
He said "just hugs" and ran away screaming.
So it may have been laced, sue me.
My mom just walked in and saw a picture of his penis. She then asked me "Do you even have a cervix left?!" I don't know what to feel anymore HA
Yeah well that's a good thing right? Like mothers approval? Kinda like a Fathers blessing but. . . better?
He stopped in the middle of us fucking so he could turn on lithuanian techno music. And the sad thing is that it was the best sex of my life.
Randomize
