Why are all the lights on in my house? Every single one. Someone should turn them off but I'm the only one here and I'm sure as hell not doin it.
since when did accompanying a guy to a wedding mean that anal was required that night?
You were pretty fucked up... decided playing hopscotch down the stairs was an excellent idea.. it was extremely entertaining
I get a nice feeling when i open my fridge and see it filled with thirty beers and half a leftover jimmy johns pickle.
this is really not the time to pretend we have morals
AND BY FEELINGS I MEAN VODKA
im like basted in vodka, i went tanning and it was like i was an alcoholic turkey being cooked in a locker of doom
Drinking vodka and pirating music in the library. Welcome to finals week.
You said you were uncomfortable with your body and then you started making whale noises
You don't even know. The entire marching band thinks I'm an alcoholic.
Jager makes that raccoon appear... The one that shits in a basket in my living room.
Please remind me next time not to call the ex who cheated on me to cry about the ex who forgave me for putting him in prison. It would be much appreciated.
it’s not easy to sexualize brunch. work with me, babe.
I don't know who's idea it was to get wine for a frat party but my poor pitiful hung over self really fucking hates them.
He just compared fucking my vagina to a snow flake falling on his forehead: gentle.... I'm not sure if that's a compliment or not.
Randomize
