I locked my keys in my car in front of planned parenthood. I'm terrified of going inside to ask to borrow a clothes hangar.
Just tell them you need to fix a mistake real quick.
we need to go to the store. i'm tired of having bud light for breakfast.
do you want me to pick up budweiser instead?
I seriously need to stop naming my lingerie sets after the boys I wear them for. I seriously just asked mom if she put Brett in the dryer
im at that stage where all she has to do is cough or something and it pisses me off
I apparently tried to stop my spending of money by sealing the top of my wallet with gum
the maid of honor just got in a fight with the mother of the bride at a gas station across the street. best. wedding. ever.
Frozen waffles and wine. Loneliness-party of one
WHY AREWNT YOU HERE SO MUCH FUN STUFF DO IT GET IN CAR NOW caps lock
All i remember is Liz dragging me home yelling at me, crying, and barfing
Literally I thought my ears were pouring out blood. That high.
Just got that "I know what's going on with your vagina" look from that CVS cashier.
You bought MORE?!
Some guy walked in while I was taking a piss and asked me if I knew of a back way out of the bar. He looked pretty freaked out.
He got up after sex and said "is it wrong if I say happy Mother's Day?"
My brothers dog was hit by a car and died. They're really sad about it.
But they're having a baby! It's like a dog only 40 billion times worse!
So he apologized for peeing on my floor.. then we fucked all night.
Real classy
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