Do you have any cake mix? I kind of need to make a "im sorry i drank all your parents tequila, threw up all over your floor and slept with you boyfriend" cake.
god, you should never be in the FBI. you'd give away america's secrets to any boy who asked.
I wonder how many times I can be hungover in one day
the girls im babysitting are trying to see how much jello they can swallow without chewing...their future boyfriends are lucky
And why did 3 people fail to stop me from literally getting a piggy back ride from the bar to his apartment?!
Do you think my job would send me for a second drug test if i took a whole pumpkin pie to work for lunch tomorrow?
I guess since this is supposed to be my year of the lesbian it's okay
I dont know if you relize this but ive been high ly medicated in my room for a whil now. GOing out into the real world would make me li ke tom ha nks. im not ready to be tom hanks..
His wife found out about our affair the same day he got fired for it.
Can you imagine how doomed are children are? I mean for one they have our genetics and then we will ruin them as parents. It will be the most magical adventure. Let's not start soon, too many adventures at hand that involve immense amounts of alcohol.
Dude, double fisting packs of Ramen saved my life last night
i knew as soon as i met you that i was gonna be the designated driver
I'm gonna buy my dress an hour before wedding. You know, just to make sure it's gonna really happen.
T'would be a shame to waste that open bar though. They shouldn't do that to us. We've been having to pretend we're happy for two people who got engaged a week after they met.
I tried eating pop-rocks while giving him a bj, I honestly think I was more disappointed with the results than he was.
The parents I babysit for are at this orgy. I need to leave.
Randomize
